Well at least its not....

My third week of radiation has come to a close and thankfully the last couple days have treated me well.  No repeats of Tuesday morning...YAY!

Sometimes I find it hard to tell some people I have rectal cancer.  Just seems dirty in away, almost shameful, but I don't know why.  I think it is a stigma we put towards are bowel movements.  It's like when you have gas and you are mortified that someone might hear you or worse smell it, but why everyone has gas sometimes.  Shit happens!  The other part of me wants to share my story, colorectal cancer is not just an old person's disease.  It is the 3rd most commonly diagnosed cancer for both men and woman worldwide.  So why do we never hear about it, especially in young people?  Probably because 9 out of 10 of these people who are diagnosed are over the age of 50.  I just can't figure out why I got this.  I'm not over weight, I eat right, I don't smoke nor do I drink excessively, I don't have any type of family history with cancer (not just colorectal cancers but no cancers!), I probably could use to exercise more but I'm not that out of shape.  So what caused this?  Is the devil just f-ing with me?  I'm still waiting for Demi Moore's boy toy to jump out and tell me I've been Punked!

As you can imagine, I am at the hospital fairly often, sometimes it feels like I am there all day and that's because sometimes I am there all day.  Daily radiation followed by lab work and other appointments and sometimes even appointments for my kids (obviously not related to my cancer treatment).  As most people do when they are waiting for what seems like forever in the waiting room you make small talk.  So Tuesday afternoon I was in the waiting area with Tommy.  An elderly couple started talking to me (I get in more conversations with elderly couples when the kids are with me, I don't know maybe it reminds them of their own family when they were younger) and somehow along the way it was mentioned that I had cancer.  The lady asked if it was breast cancer and I said no it's rectal cancer.  Her response was "Well at least its not breast cancer."  Please don't misunderstand me when I say that I was a tad irritated by her comment.  I understand the seriousness that breast cancer can impose, that all cancer can impose.  My issue is that her response seemed to imply that my cancer was less concerning than others.  I have stage III rectal cancer, I certainly think that deserves a little bit of concern!  I still have almost a year of treatment left, not to mention that after April I may be pooping into a bag of the rest of my life!  Ok I get it, she probably was trying in some way to make me feel better, but all it did was irk me.  Talking with Dennis, he said he would get the same thing when he would tell people he had melanoma, people would be like "oh they just burn that off, right?"  No, no they don't!

I guess what you should take from that story is that if someone tells you that they have cancer don't give them the "it could be worse scenario" or trivialize it.  Cancer is serious, regardless of stage.  Every cancer patient and immediate family member knows the worry and the dread of every scan.  Sure your test results come back and tell you that you are NED (have No Evidence of Disease) and you breath a huge sigh of relief, but that feeling that it could come back is real.  That doesn't mean we live our lives in fear, it is just that we respect the reality of life.  My husband has been NED for just over two years, we do our best to live our lives to the fullest, even had a second child.  However, I do still stop to say a prayer when he goes in every 3 months for his checkups.

My 3 day-er

MLK day weekend for me meant I got 3 days off of radiation and chemo.  I have to say the weekend didn't turn out quite to my expectations.  For starters, Tommy came down with a cold, runny nose and low fever, on Saturday morning.  You could tell he just felt like poop.  I'm not sure why, but my kids always get sick on a Friday so I either have to take them to the ER or wait out the weekend with them.  We waited it out, ear infection, second time in a month!

Dennis and I traded off kids from time to time so we could get Maddie out of the house for a bit.  It was freezing here in DC, so not a whole lot of options.  Yes DC has a lot of museums, but they aren't the kind that a 4 yr old is going to love.  Dennis  took her out to the "crazy pool" at Cub Run community center on Sunday evening.  I guess I should clarify, we call it the crazy pool, but really it is an indoor pool with some slides and a water park for tots.  I would have loved to go myself, but the Tron lines still on my backside, courtesy of the radiation techs, fatigue and Tommy's cold kept me here at the house.

Monday was also a slow day.  Stayed in and my friend Maggie headed out here to the burbs to visit me and bring us some awesome food.  Monday night I went back on the chemo.  I guess my body was enjoying chemical hiatus because it was pissed when I started up my pills again.  I took my pills a bit late and headed to bed around 11.  I had a hard time sleeping and from 12 to 1 AM I felt nauseous, but not enough to pray to the porcelain god.  I finally fell asleep and woke up abruptly with sharp pains in my abdomen.      The pains came in waves, like contractions during labor.  I alternated between lying in the fetal position in my bed and crapping my brains out on the toilet.  This went on for at least an hour before the pain subsided and I could finally get back to sleep.  My oncologist had stocked me with meds so I at least had something to combat the diarrhea.  Today I woke up exhausted but the pain seemed to be gone.  I was told that the radiation may cause inflammation and the pains I was having may be associated with that.  I see my radiation oncologist tomorrow and hopefully find out more about the cause and what I can do to combat the issue should it happen again.  

Moving pieces

Second week of radiation is done!  My mother-in-law, Chris, came down from Pennsylvania to give us a hand for the week.  It was Maddie's last week at her half day preschool, Tommy's first week at day care and my second week of radiation.  Lots of moving pieces to say the least.

Let's start with....Radiation!  Always exciting.  For starters they changed up how they do my daily radiation.  It use to be a 10 minute deal, but they decided that each day I will get what they call a "baby" CT scan.  Basically the crazy star trek like machine (I wish I had a picture to attach to show you all what it looks like) takes a scan of my backside and from there they determine how to target the radiation so we get the biggest bang for the buck.  The thought process is that they can do a better job of target the tumor alone and do less damage to the surrounding tissue/organs.  Time wise it means I am now laying on the table (cheeks to the wind so to speak) for an extra 15 to 20 minutes.  Although I am excited about the more targeted treatment, not so stoked about laying on that table for 30 minutes.  I don't know who designed that thing, but I swear it could be used as a torture device.

I also saw all three of my doctors last week.  Met with my surgeon again and was told that April will most likely be when I will be having surgery, but as to what type of surgery it is will have to be determined after radiation treatment is complete.  I also had some blood work and thankfully my blood count is good.  As of last week my side effects were moderate.  Wednesday was the worst day for me, a bout of bowel issues, but thankfully it passed fairly easily and thankfully I made it to the pot on time....that's always a plus.  Chris was here so I was able to lay down and rest regularly, which was a big help.

In other news, Tommy had his first day at day care on Monday and surprisingly enough he really likes it.  Don't get me wrong he cried when I left, but when I picked him up he was as happy as could be and looked as he really enjoyed his day.  He napped there, he ate like a champ and he loves Roni, his day care provider.  His day care was really weighing heavily on me, but Roni is the sweetest ladies and she works with Tommy on his PT and just dotes over him and the other kids there.  She has 5 kids over her own who are sweet as can be, so you know you are leaving your child in good hands.  What a relief!  

Maddie finished up at her local preschool this week.  Chris was a huge help, getting Maddie to ballet, school, gym etc.  It was awesome to see the two of them playing together and crafting together.  They made valentines day cards for everyone, too cute!  Maddie got to see her new school on Wednesday and instantly loved it.  She talked about going to her new school for the rest of the week.  Dennis woke up for work on Friday, around 5:30 or 6:00 and  found Maddie lying on the floor in the main room waiting to go to her "new" school.  Dennis had to tell her, sorry but thats next week.  We did our best to reel the girl in, I didn't want to have her hurting anyone's feeling at her old school.  

Just a side note on her old school, they are awesome.  Her teachers decided to get together and organize dinners for us for the next month!  One of the mom's brought over a bacon pasta dish tonight that was FABULOUS!  It was the first time that Tommy actually ate pasta and Maddie ate everything on her plate, so thats something...but of course everything tastes better with bacon!  Other parents from the school and Maddie's ballet have offered to watch the kids, get us groceries.  The outpour of help has been almost overwhelming, but also awe inspiring. 

The End of My First Week

I'm a little behind on post sorry but I tire easily these days.  Last Friday was the last day of my first week.  So how did my first week of radiation-chemo go you wonder?  It went pretty well.  I am tired and I am achey, but thankfully very few other side effects have yet to crop up.  Friday's radiation had a bit of a new spin to it.  For starters somehow I didn't quite get the latch to click on the changing room door and got walk in on while I stood there in my t-shirt and nothing else.  Thankfully it was one of my doctors and another female patient.  Now, I normally would be embarrassed by such an incident but after two pregnancies and now rectal cancer....well I just don't have that much modesty or dignity left.  Dr. K felt pretty bad, but I told her not to fret, it was bound to happen sooner or later.  After that lovely incident I laid down for my scan.  Techs told me that they would have to draw on my butt.  I am an extremely ticklish person and it took quite a lot of self control not to laugh out load when they started to draw.  What I didn't know until after my treatment was done that day, was their drawings were done in permanent marker.  Fabulous!  It isn't pretty drawings, sorry no butterflies.  They just drew lines (they told me the reason, but I wasn't really listening as I was concentrating on not laughing), I look like some character out of TRON.  Maddie saw them and asked why I had blue lines all over my behind.  I scrambled to come up with an answer for her.

After radiation was done I saw my medical oncologist, she wanted to check in with me and see how I was doing.  She had a theory about how certain woman handle therapy.  She noticed that women who had really rough pregnancies, morning sickness and the like, tend to do terrible with chemotherapy.  Luckily for me I never had morning sickness, at least never threw up!  Now that doesn't me that towards the end I won't have more nausea, it just means that I would be less likely to be so nauseous that I would have to be admitted to the hospital.  She told me that she has one patient that she has to alter her medication so much because otherwise it puts her over the top and she ends up in the ER and has to be admitted!  Yikes!  This patient was quite sick during her pregnancies.....interesting.

Friday night, despite my exhaustion I decided to forget about the cancer and go out with some girl friends.  Maggie was performing with her improv group downtown and I have never seen an improv show.  So I hoped on the train and headed into the city.  I should mention that I had to do a pit stop at one of the station because, due to the radiation, I have to go pee way more frequently.  I feel like an old lady!  Met up with some other friends and headed into the show.  It was pretty funny and it allowed me to forget, at least momentarily, all of my troubles.  Thank you ladies for the fun evening!

The Beginning

The day to begin my treatment finally came, yesterday.  The visits aren't very long, but I found the first one to be nerve racking.  I checked in and got changed into hospital attire and was asked to wait for the technician to call me back.  I waited a bit longer than I expected, something to do with the software update on the machine.  I was finally called back and was positioned on the table.  They use the tattoos that I was given previously to ensure I am in exactly the right spot.  Once everything is set correctly we begin.  The first day (and once a week I am told) they do films, which takes an extra couple of minutes.  The machine makes a lot of noise and even though I'm facing down and can't see all that much I can tell that there is a lot of movement.  It reminds me of scenes from a sci-fi movie were the machines are working on patients, like when Luke gets his new hand in Star Wars.  Probably didn't help that Dennis was watching the Trilogy (sorry I don't believe the prequels exist so it will always be a trilogy to me) this past weekend.  Probably the worst thing that happened during my first visit, I was told to drink water so that I could have a full bladder.  I couldn't move but I had to go so bad.  Last thing I need to be doing is the pee pee dance while I'm getting radiated.  I was seriously on the verge of peeing my pants...well if I was wearing pants.  Thankfully today's treatment was quite a bit shorter and went a lot smoother.

I've gone thru only two treatments and the side effects have started to kick in.  Nothing major, but I am beat.  It feels like I have the flu, achey, tired and kind of spaced out.  I get to about 3 PM and I hit the wall.  At about 4 today, I checked out and took a 2-3 hr nap.  I haven't done that in quite some time.  When I was a kid, my best friend's mom was going thru chemo and I remember her always being tired.  I have a new appreciation for what she was going thru.  They tell me the side effects will get worse as I continue treatment, but I'm still have hope that this is a fluke and I will be unaffected as time goes on.