Today I started prepping for my upcoming treatment. After the ultrasound last Friday, more information about my cancer was revealed. The cancer was originally believed to be less severe than what was later shown on the ultrasound photos. The ultrasound shows that the tumor has gone deeper into the rectal wall than previously suspected and that the lymph nodes still show cancerous characteristics. I realize that information is not all that good, but at least now my doctors are able to construct a plan for my treatment.
I went in to see my radiation oncologist Dr. K. We started off by discussing what I should expect for the next couple weeks. The doctors believe that chemo-radiation therapy is the best thing for me right now. I will need 6 weeks of radiation therapy in company with low dose chemotherapy. They have decided to forgo administering the chemo intravenously and instead have it administered orally (mmm fun pills!). Now I was reassured that there is really no difference in how the chemo is administered, at least not in terms of effectiveness. There may be differences in side effects. To be honest I would rather take the pills instead of having a catheter placed. Personally I think it would be a logistical nightmare to have a catheter and subsequent fanny pack (to constantly administer the chemo) with a 15 month old that likes to pull and tug at everything.
To get ready for the radiation I had to take a special CT scan. I don't think I've been more uneasy about a medical procedure in my life. Well at least if I'm ever abducted by aliens I will be prepared. After the scan was done I received my first tattoos. Thats right almost 5 years in the Navy and I never remotely had the urge to get any ink, but no choice today. Ok so the tattoos are just little dots. They use the tattoos to position me correctly for the radiation therapy. The scans today are used to make a 3D image of my insides so the radiation can target the tumor with little exposure as possible to the other areas in my body. My radiation therapy starts next Tuesday!
Outside of therapy my biggest issue is childcare. I have been a stay at home mother since Maddie was born almost 4 years ago, a decision that I am very proud of. Maddie is now in preschool and she loves her school, so her care is not so concerning to me. However, I have a lot of reservations when it comes to sending Tommy to day care. For starters he sees a physical therapist every week. He's not walking and his therapy is very important to his development. I haven't quite figured how all of that will work. Can his therapist see him at the day care center? Can they do it on the weekend or in the evenings? Secondly, childcare is very expensive in this area. We are looking into the military CDCs, but even with my current medical situation we are in the last category for care (i.e. the bottom of the wait list). For the CDC at Ft Belvoir, it could months before we could get the kids in the center there. We are going up to Anacostia (Joint Base) tomorrow to see what is available there. Lastly, I love having that time with my kids. They are only young once. I love taking Maddie to dance class and spending time with her in the afternoons after school. Tommy is finally at an age where he's getting very interactive, his language is exploding and he's working so hard on trying to get moving. I feel awful having to send them away. Why now? Yes I realize it is for the best, I know that during my treatment I may need some help with the kids, but that doesn't mean I have to like it. I feel like my purpose in life is to take care of my family, my kids and now that is being taken away from me.
Oh Melissa. I wish I was there or that you were here so that I could help you with Maddie and Thomas. I know that there are no scarier words than, "It's cancer". You are in my thoughts, prayers, and everything else I can come up with. Love, Laura
ReplyDeleteMelissa. I friggin love you and your family. I'm going to give you a call tonight. I'm here to help CYA.
ReplyDeleteMuch love,
~Maggie
Melissa, it's Molly... I don't know if a username will come up for me. I am just now getting caught up on all of this. First of all, I am sooo sorry for all that you are going through. I cannot imagine. I am absolutely here to talk any time if you need someone, especially someone in the area. As someone whose mom had cancer when she was very young, I have to tell you that even though it will be very hard on you to be away from your kids during the day, they are still going to love you best, and you will just treasure your time with them even more. They are going to look back one day at how strong their mama was and all she did to take care of herself, so she could be the best mom for them. When I was having Carter and going through so many things with all of my pregnancy complications, one of the nurses said to me... Think of it as being on an airplane. The pilots always say that if something happens, you put your mask on first. You cannot possibly take care of someone else if you don't take care of yourself first. No matter how selfish and hard it might feel, you can't do what's best for your little ones unless you are focusing on getting yourself what you need. Maddie and Thomas will be so grateful to have you at night and on the weekends! They're just going to treasure you even more! When my mom was sick, I just wanted her to feel better. I remember her sleeping a lot and being so tired and missing her, but I also remember how much fun I had with her when we were together. I am so grateful for all she went through because it brought us a million times closer than we already were. She was and still is my greatest hero. Your kids are going to look at you like that one day, too. You just have to believe all the pieces with Tommy will fall into place. Somehow, I know, you will find a way for him to get his physical therapy, and in the grand scheme of things, when he's 20, he's not going to care about whether or not he missed out on some of his therapy sessions. He's just going to care that his mom put her mask on first, so she could take care of him second. I also want to tell you that... Chemo is much better than it used to be. My mom began chemo in 1991 and then had to go through it again in 2010, and when she was diagnosed with the stage 4 cancer, she even told her doctors she would not do chemo again. She said she would rather have a year of life without chemo than five years with it because it was that bad. Her doctors encouraged her to do it, and she actually ended up doing 8 months of chemo--3 weeks on and then 1 week off each month. She said it was much better than 19 years earlier. I'm glad she did it. I've almost gotten another 2 years with her since her diagnosis. Your kids are going to be glad you did it, too. I wish we knew why these things had to happen. It sucks, and it's so unneccessary. If you need someone to talk to or cry to or complain to, I'm here. I'm not sure how far you are from Fairfax either, but my daycare provider is fabulous. I actually taught her daughter for kindergarten and first grade, and she has hydroencephalus with a shunt, so her mom has a ton of experience with that. Her mom actually started her own daycare because she was afraid to send her daughter anywhere. That might be too far of a drive for you to make, but if you want more information, I'd be happy to give you her name and number. My son is very happy there and actually throws fits every day I come to pick him up. I don't know if there is anything I can do, but I can definitely listen. Please don't be afraid to reach out for help, and please try your best to focus on you, and trust that in the grand scheme of things, your kids are going to be fine as long as you take of yourself and do whatever you need to do for you. Again, please let me know if there is anything I can do. Lots of love and positive thoughts. xoxox
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